The life and times of a forty-something southern belle.
2018 has been full of surprises – both good and bad. While there were many moments of restoration and strength there were equal moments of heartbreak and confusion.
In response to the numerous events that took place, I think I’m going to share some of the highlights from the past as well as new adventures. Hopefully others will grow from my experiences as well. Or at least maybe have a laugh.
Buckle up and hang on tight!
I had a very valuable lesson reinforced this year. Every single minute matters! Cherish every moment in your life and make the most of every day, because you never know which will be your last. Love with your WHOLE HEART, through the good and the bad. Be quick to apologize, quick to forgive, and don’t hold grudges.
Our days are numbered and only God knows how many we have left. Don’t waste a one!
I recently lost someone very dear to me, the odd thing is I didn’t realize how much she really meant to me until it was too late.
A little background is required for this post. I have three children, two sons and a daughter. The father of my sons and I never married despite my pleadings. Eventually, my sons were adopted by my now ex-husband. Since my divorce, I have become friends with my sons’ dad- I dare say he is one of my closest friends. This also lead to a new relationship with his parents – my boys’ grandparents. We became good friends, in fact, we shared the relationship I had always hope for, daughter-in-law to in-laws.
Recently the boys’ grandmother fell ill. She had spoken with me about how she felt a few times, but we assumed everything was ok because the doctor had told her it was.
Almost two years before, she underwent surgery for Renal Cell Carcinoma (kidney cancer). This is actually when we became friends. Even though I wasn’t the daughter-in-law, I stayed with her at the hospital and took care of her. When she returned home, I came by as often as I could to help her and her husband out around the house.
After the surgery, she was given a reasonable clean bill of health. Almost a year later, she went for her obligatory PET scan and when it came back clear, she was pronounced cancer free. Little did we know something was lurking behind.
She started feeling bad and dealing with severe abdominal pain in August 2018 and after numerous trips to the doctor, she finally convinced him to run some tests in October 2018. She discovered she had a mass on her liver and pancreas. By this time, she had began to experience extreme pain behind her right knee, which the doctor also assured her was nothing to be concerned with.
On November 2, 2018, her doctor finally admitted something was wrong and sent her to the hospital. She had a massive blood clot behind her knee that was cutting off circulation to the lower portion of her leg. After undergoing amputation surgery, because the damage was to severe, and two pulse weeks in the hospital the Hospitalist finally told us what the oncologist didn’t have time to say. She had stage four cancer which encompassed her liver, pancreas, spleen, and even her colon. The cancer had most likely caused the blood clot which led to the amputation. We were officially told this on the day they released her to go home on hospice. By this time, she really wasn’t fully with us anymore.
She passed away a little over three weeks after she was first admitted to the hospital.
To say no one was prepared would be an understatement. However the most shocking response was my own. I had stayed with her at the hospital and took care of her. When she had come home I stayed with her and her husband, helping in anyway I could. It was as if we had been close our whole lives.
When she passed it ripped a hole in my heart. For the first few years she didn’t like me. Later she realized I was a pretty good person and wanted me with her son, but I was married and wouldn’t entertain such possibilities. I never would have dreamed that our short relationship would mean so much to me. I find myself visiting her grave a couple of times every week and talking to her as if she could respond. I miss her so much, but I think I miss what could have been even more.
I should have forged the relationship sooner. The problems her son and I had should not have affected her and her grandsons; should not have affected she and I. I let time slip by and care about her from a distance. When our relationship was restored I still didn’t put myself out there in fear of getting hurt. I’m fairly certain I never told her I loved her. I sincerely hope she knew that.
I know she loved me by her actions and words. One day in the hospital, she introduced me to one of the nurses as the one who should be her daughter-in-law. As sad and pitiful as that sounds, that meant the world to me.
Please take the time to tell those you love that you love them. Show them daily! And never leave anything unsaid. We never know which day will be our last.
“Little girls should be seen and not heard.”
Just about every girl born and raised in the Deep South knows exactly what I’m talking about. We were supposed to sit properly in our best dress and keep our mouths shut. Our opinions or emotions didn’t matter, just our behavior. Many families were judged by the behavior of their children. I clearly remember the conversations, “Can you believe they let their little girl do that? Why I’d never in a million years allow such!”
Of course this was just a side note to the family name. Your family name was everything and you were careful not to do anything to stain the name. Many young ladies learned the hard way about not being careful and following the rules of the family. Not only were we to be seen and not heard, if we did speak, after spoken to of course, we responded with “yes ma’am” and “yes sir” and our responses always had to reflect the taught family values… how dare we have our own views on anything. If one were so brazen to speak out of turn… well the consequences weren’t worth the risk.
Funny thing is, I’m sure most people think I am talking about a rich, affluent family, but I’m not. I’m speaking of your average, “keeping up with the Jones” lower middle class to upper lower class family. Those families who worked hard and rode on their morals, standards, and good name.
I was raised to “sit up straight and proper,” “keep my dress down,” and “smile pretty.” My hair had to be as perfect as the ruffles on my best dress. And surely I couldn’t play because I might get dirty and ruin the illusion.
At the age of ten, I was given my very first panty girdle to hold everything in the right place, and began to hear the droning on of how it is important to be skinny if I want a man. And how no one wants a wild girl, they all want the good girl who waits until marriage, doesn’t talk back, and knows how to fry chicken in a cast-iron skillet. I do believe my favorite lecture was to always use moisturizer – little did I know that one would really pay off some day.
The funny thing is, in the midst of all of the traditional training I was encouraged to “go to school and learn it all.” My “Uncle” Jack told me that and my family regularly reenforced it, but when it all came down to brass tacks they were more concerned about what my education would say for the family. It would show success above the measure of their contemporaries. It would show that I was raised right and would set the new standards for everyone to keep up with.
Here I am at forty-five realizing that while a lot of what I was taught was skewed it did have merit.
1. I want to do things that will, or would have, made them proud.
2. I strive to have integrity – to do the right thing even when no one is looking. Why yes, I do return the shopping cart to the appropriate stall in the parking lot.
3. I want people to think highly of me. To quote an individual I recently spoke with, “you have very high accolades in this parish*.”
4. I want to look proper and dress the part. While yes, I could wear jeans and a t-shirt to school every day, I chose to dress more appropriately for my job and display proper respect for my role as an educator.
5. Respect for your elders doesn’t stop because you become an adult and aren’t necessarily dependent on them anymore. I still say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” and try to answer when momma calls – even if it is inconvenient.
6. I really should take care of myself because I only have one body. Exercise regularly, eat right, and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!
I have also come to understand that when in private the rules could be “adjusted” to allow for necessities to be performed.
7. It’s ok to get dirty if you are working or having fun. Yard work and gardening is tough and messy.
8. It’s ok to talk back if the situation calls for it. We should never be doormats for anyone.
But my all time favorite rules were not drilled into our heads with words, but with actions.
9. Take care of your loved ones. Even when it’s not the fun or popular thing to do. Cherish the times you have with them because you never know which encounter will be the last.
10. Remain loyal! Yes, your family may tick you off, but stand by them. After all, they are the only family you have. And no one loves you like family.
Footnote:
* parish – Louisiana’s version of a county.
BleuSouthernBelle 